Grace

This Christmas was filled with so much magic and grace.
I felt blessed to be putting presents under the tree my own home. We celebrated Christmas eve with a wonderful collection of family and friends.





It's amazing how the lines between "family" and "friend"
are so beautifully blurred at times. That was certainly true with this group of folks. We enjoyed a wonderful meal all together...




And then a warm snuggle on the couch! I was thrilled to put my new couch to the test and find that indeed, it accomodated 9 of us,
comfortably!


We ended the night with a few rounds of Christmas carols, all the classics.
We all agreed at the end of the night, it couldn't have been more delightful.

Solstice

Happy Solstice & Merry Christmas!
What beautiful holidays we're enjoying up here in the Northwoods; deep snow and dark, starry nights. Inside the lights are glowing on our decorated tree. I've been enjoying these solitary evenings after Sebastian is in bed. I make tea and read, work on projects, write letters or take a bath. Winter is such a good time for me to make quality time with myself. This winter in particular it feels important to be quiet, slow and deliberate.
I'm healing. So many of us are.
There was a time this fall as the nights were getting longer and darker that I could hardly stand the grief. The grief of friends dying, family dying, children dying, dreams dying. It felt like it was all at once, but really it was one after the other, without room to recover before the next thing happened. By the end I could barely stand. In a circle of women I could only cry. I relied on friends to bring food. And they did. And they held me. Loved ones near and far were there, and were not as scared as I was that I was loosing my mind. It was not insanity, it was sadness. Raw emotion. A tremendous blessing. I studied Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, and The Places That Scare You. I started to meditate. I stopped drinking coffee. I let go of many expectations; of myself and others, and I started to feel free again. I started dancing again, and painted silk. I painted my toenails with a girlfriend and read old journals. I let myself cry at the grocery store when an aqaintance would ask how I was, and I wouldn't feel ashamed.
I allowed myself to feel compassion for myself and my loss, as I felt compassion for so many others. I learned to sit with it and to accept it. The compassion started growing into love. This time for myself as much as for others. And from that place of love, healing. From that place of love; energy, hope & clarity.

"My barn having burnt to the ground, I can now see the moon"

Like the Phoenix, I felt my spirit rising up again.

I struggle still, but with a newfound sense of direction and gentleness with myself.

"Grace" is the word that comes to mind. In the midst of the chaos in my heart, there were so many dear, raw moments. Some of the most moving and beautiful of my whole life. They gave me hope and reminded me of how blessed we are. These moments are fleeting.
We are here to love and to do good work.

As the light returns this year, I feel reticent, and ready. I am nurturing myself, and throwing myself into service on an even deeper level. I feel wiser, younger and more joyful.

I thank the Goddess for those dark days and nights, so that the light may return.

Our home

Sometimes things happen in a way that's so serendipitous I think it's either craziness, or perfection. That happened this summer in the beginning of July when I happened to stop by to say 'hello' and 'goodbye" to my friends in Ashland who I knew were moving soon. They are a dear family, and had been a treasured part of our extended family when Sebastian was in pre-school. Ms. Jo had run a Waldorf pre-school out of her home called Laughing Waters. I thank my lucky stars that Sebastian got to attend both years it was in operation. I have so many fond memories of Ms. Jo and her dear husband, son and pets, and of the school. Sebastian's symbol was the rainbow. Mondays was washing days, Tuesdays was soup or bread making days. Wednesdays painting, Thursdays beeswax modeling and Fridays coloring. The children ate their meals with their hand made place settings and child size pitchers. They had a special grace they said for snacks and lunch (which we still say to this day!). The kids went out in all weather, making the most of rain and snow days. Ms. Jo had a song for everything; coming in from the cold, setting the table and cleaning toys, advent, nap time..... and always a smile.

When Sebastian celebrated his 4th & 5th birthdays at school, Ms. Jo led a special rainbow bridge celebration. She told the story of his life until that time (abridged, mind you) and said a special verse. He got to don the special rainbow silk cape and wear the crocheted golden crown that Ms. Jo had made. When the time came, he was allowed to walk from the adjacent room across the silk "bridge" as we sang a simple song and let the stars (which we had colored) fall around him. When he came into our circle we said a blessing with each star and gave them to him as our gift. For years after he asked to see his stars.

These fond memories bring tears to my eyes. And there are so many more.

Why am I sharing this under a title of "Our home"?

This is where our worlds collided.

So I came over to say 'hello' and 'goodbye' to these dear friends, years after the school had closed, as they got ready to move to Iowa. When I walked into their home I was utterly amazed by the amount of work they had done on what used to be a humble abode. They had been working their magic on this home for the years since I had seen them last. New windows with beautiful trim, cedar siding, a meandering cement path through the gardens and a cobblestone path to the garage.... it was gorgeous. I was instantly in love, and at home.

They were scheduled to have an open house the next weekend.


I left there trembling, and teary. I called my mother- "Mom, I think this is it! It felt so right! It's beautiful!" I had been looking for homes for over a year, to no avail. We had moved 4 times in the last 2 years at that time and I needed to settle down, for Sebastian's sake, and mine. We were a family with Tom at the time, and he didn't want to live in Ashland. I was trying to figure out how to convince him that this is where we needed to be. We sat down the next day and had a surprising conversation in which he told me he couldn't move ahead in the direction we had been going in our relationship. This was hard to hear, but I understood. And I knew exactly what I needed to do. I came to look at the house again the next day, and told them I was interested in buying it.

From that day, it was 3 weeks until we closed. We never went to a realator, or had any significant problems. I got my WHEDA loan during the last week before rates started to sky rocked and just before they became very hard to come by. My grandparents and parents each gave me a tremendous gift, and my good credit paid off. We moved in on August 4th.

My friend Mark led a small blessing ceremony for us before moving in, attended by Sebastian & myself, my parents and Tom. We were welcomed with love by neighbors and friends.

We just put up our first christmas tree here, and are starting to feel at home. I think of Ms. Jo and her family every day as I feel the love they embued this house with. I remember our time here, and know with every cell in my body how blessed we are to have this beautiful sanctuary be the place we come back to every day.