Baby catcher!!!

Dear friends & family, after ten long years of working towards becoming a nurse-midwife, I can proudly say, I have passed through the threshold. I caught two babies this weekend!

Their warm, wet bodies passed through MY hands for one brief, magical moment before going back to their mothers. It was every bit as amazing as I imagined it would be. The first baby, a little boy, born to a zen-like birthing mother and her sweet, quiet husband. She came in at 7 cm. still talking and smiling between contractions and during them, would close her eyes, wrinkle her brow and breathe. It wasn't until she was pushing that she grabbed my arm and made some noise. He came quickly and was born though a tight cord loop. My preceptor had her hands on mine and we caught together. The dad didn't want to cut the cord (in fact once he greeted his boy and kissed his wife, he went and laid down on the floor... ) so I cut it.

What an honor and joy to have this be my first birth. Like a kiss on the forehead from Creator- a sweet and gentle greeting at the door as I walked into my new role. The part that was hard for me emotionally about this birth was that when the mama reached for my hand while she was pushing, I couldn't take it. I had sterile gloves on and I had to keep both hands ready for her baby. I gave her my arm, and then a nurse took her hand. I felt the sweet, painful jolt from my life as a doula, to that of a midwife.

The next woman came in laboring hard and absolutely terrified. She is young and came in with her young friend. She screamed and cried and begged for an epidural from the moment she walked through the door. A history of use and social complications, she was barely hanging on. I stayed with her and she was able to breathe slower with guidance, and appreciated some touch, but not too much. The nurses were busy admitting her, finding baby on the monitors, calling the anesthesiologist, who got there in 1/2 hour or so, and by then she was shaking, crying. Baby's heart rate didn't look good so as soon as the epidural went in, so did an internal scalp electrode. Baby was right there and the cervix wasn't. We struggled to glove in time, forget the gowns. This time my preceptor stood beside me but kept her hands down. I caught this little girl on my own, already feeling more comfortable! No cord, small baby. Mom was expecting a boy!

Oh friends, I do feel like a Midwife now. I wasn't sure if the first catch would change me that quickly, but it did. It has. I feel at once more content, more whole and filled with even more joy. I didn't want to leave the hospital (after being awake for almost 30 hours...). After so many years of anticipation, I would have been happy to stay another 30 hours.... to continue being with women and greeting new life into my hands. Thankfully, my preceptor and the next midwife coming in advised me to let someone who was fresh take over. I didn't even realize how tired it was. It didn't even hit me until almost 2 days later... and has taken another day to recover. So much energy expended, so much adrenaline and bliss pumping through my veins. I love this work every bit as much as I knew I would. But I think a part of me wondered if I really would.... if I really could...... well, the answer is a resounding YES!!!! Yes! Yes! and more Yes!!!

I am eager and open and surprised and comforted by how naturally it all seems to be coming.

Don't get me wrong, it's not easy. I'm pushing myself to my limits to enter into this new role with grace and skill. I'm working hard, AND it's coming naturally. Like it always has, really.

I've known since I was 17 and dancing in the cedar lodge in a ceremony in Pic River, Canada. The direction of the fires was to help the young people find their path, their calling in life. My mom took me to this ceremony, bless her. I wonder if I would have found it if I hadn't been dancing and praying in that lodge? It was very quiet; Midwife. Like a whisper in my ear, only it went straight into my heart. I heard it. Felt it. Told my mother. Held it quietly for several years and pursued doula training at 19 to get closer to birth and see if it was indeed, "my thing".

Most of you reading this know that indeed, I have confirmed hundreds of times over that it IS indeed, My Thing. What I am here to do. This is my work, by path, my passion. I am so blessed.

I went to the shores of the Black River at sundown the day I first caught babies, with tobacco in my hand and gave thanks. Gave thanks for all of it. For the day, the families, the people in my life who support me on this path- ALL OF YOU, my son and my mother and father, my teachers and lovers, best friends and co-workers. For my health, my hands, my heart and for every guided step along the way. I am so blessed.